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I have a bad feeling about this… part 2

July 2, 2010

Well, I’m getting off to a later start than I wanted because of Beat Hazard.  Damn game is addictive!

Continued from last time…

These new Twilight fans are rabid creatures, hungering for anything to do with the series from the movies to the iSparkle.  They are more monstrous than the actual monsters portrayed in the books/movies/toys/edible underwear.  They do not hunger for blood (well, the crazy…er ones do), but they hunger for the day that everyone will worship vampire love like they do.

That’s off topic, though.  My Twilight experiences continued after the breakup with my girlfriend.  Once the first movie came out, I would hear it whenever I was around my sister or my niece.  Let me put some perspective on this.  My sister is the middle child of three, having one older sister and myself being younger.  She has two children, a girl and a boy, both under the age of five and lives with her boyfriend who is the father of the kids.  She is thirty years old now, and had never heard of Twilight before the first movie came out.  She now owns both movies and all of the books and whenever someone mentions anything about them, her eyes light up like she was a cancer patient that has just been given a miracle cure.

My niece is nine years old and just as fanatical about Twilight, though she hasn’t attempted to read the books (to my knowledge), she repeatedly watches the movies like someone with a sick sort of OCD.  She finds Edward “dreamy” and wishes for a love like Bella has found.  My niece wants an abusive relationship with a much older man who has a fetish for watching you sleep.  Yup.  Wonderful.

I had known everything that happened in Twilight since before the first movie came out, knowing all about the bastardization of one of my favorite monsters and the pathetic excuse for a story line, but I didn’t mind that they were wasting money on a film version.  They’ve wasted far more money on far greater pieces of shit in the past.  Eventually all things die, but shitty movies die faster.

I didn’t see the first one, but I already knew I hated it because of my prior knowledge from the before said event.  Every time  my sister or my niece would start talking about it, I’d always have enough ammunition to fire back about why it sucks from a storytelling standpoint and the standpoint of them destroying vampire mythology.  There was a problem, though, you see Twilight isn’t just a bad movie and book, it’s a plague that infects everyone, mostly female, around them.  It has become something that was once a “meh” type feeling to a feeling of pure frustration at these easily manipulated humans.  It went from being my sister and niece to them plus all of the female members of my sister’s boyfriend’s family.  It’s not hard to argue with one Twilight fan, but when they gang up on you, barraging you with inaudible language, there’s no way to win or even attempt to fight back.  When they start speaking in their unholy tongues, there’s no way to decipher any of their arguments, so why argue at all?

Time passed and New Moon came out, splitting the fan base into what are essentially gangs, willing to pounce at a given notice.  If you say the taboo name around a certain circle, they will pounce, pelting you with the same unholy speech from before.  The only decipherable words that emit from their shouting holes is “Edward” or “Jacob” but never both.  There is no neutrality in this war.

Before the movie came out, the internet was flooded with images of sparkly Edward looking longingly at Bella, then there were images of the Wolf Pack.  This is actually the reason for the name of this blog.  All of these images of constantly shirtless, perfectly tanned, beefed up men that know how to make a pouting face to the camera started pouring in.  Females swooned, males groaned, and Jesus and I gave a huge “WTF is this?!”  This only escalated when the first trailer debuted.  I hadn’t seen it on the internet just because I didn’t want to put myself through that, but some friends and I went to a movie where that trailer played.  A woman on a date was sitting in front of our group who literally screamed at the sight of shirtless Jake, then looked like she had an orgasm at the end of the trailer.  She exclaimed, “Oh, my God!  That looks like the best movie EVAR! *sequel*”

Being the embittered man I am, I promptly shot back to no one in particular, “That looks like the most retarded fucking shit I’ve ever had to sit through.  The wolf looked like something out of a PS2 game and only retards would get excited over something that bad.”  Her boyfriend who looked like he wanted to die because she was going to drag him along to it looked very pleased at my statement.

It wasn’t until Jesus and I started seriously talking about starting this blog that I realized I would have to watch those movies in order to thoroughly bash them without getting the retort that I just haven’t seen them.  Last week, I did, just for this blog and let me tell you, it’s a good thing I’m a masochist, because those were incredibly shitty movies.

I’ll talk about those in the next post.

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