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I have a bad feeling about this… part 3

October 19, 2010

So, Twilight. It’s a book, it’s a movie, it’s a cult way of life.

I don’t remember what I wrote last because it’s been so long ago, so I’m going to go straight to my reviews of the movies. I promise I’ll try to keep them short.

1. Twilight. The one that started it all. The one that made $191,465,414 off of crazed tween/broken hearted and/or masochistic housewives. It literally took me three tries to finally watch this movie to the end. First off, the color scheme for this movie made me want to shove a pencil or pencil like object into my eyes just so I could see a color other than grey and blue gray. Movies use this scheme to create a type of mood. Maybe Washington is in a permanent overcast. I don’t know. What I do know is that even in overcast conditions, there are other goddamn colors!

It doesn’t matter… it doesn’t matter… The color scheme is actually probably my biggest complaint, but only if you can actually see into head to see how glaring that point is. I don’t mean for my other criticisms to seem light because of this, just know that to me, someone who analyzes every detail of a film because I do consider movies a type of art form, this bothered me way more than, say, the horrendous acting.

Kristen Stewart is made of wood. That is the only explanation I can come up with for her lack of expression. Is it fair to call her an actress when she cannot do such simple things as contort muscle in her face to make it look different? This is the same problem I have with Megan Fox. She has one look: Sultry. Kristen Stewart has one look: Blankly confused.

Some people, women in particular, have eyes that seem to be able to house galaxies. They have deep pools that you may get lost in and not even care. They are the kind of eyes that you can find yourself gazing into forever as you wither away, staring into the objects of beauty that nothing else can compare. Kristen Stewart on the other hand… well, I have seen more depth in the eyes of goldfish than I have when Kristen Stewart looks “longingly” into the eyes of Robert Pattinson.

She’s not the only bad actor in this movie. No, no, no. In fact, it’s as if the director told the actors to ham it up. “CUT! What was that shit? Do you want me to believe you’re in love or something?!” No, that won’t fly in this atrocity of a love story.

Honestly, the only actor that I would consider calling an actor in this portion of the Twilight “saga” would be Billy Burke, the dad. He was the highlight hands down. If it wasn’t for his acting ability (which was the pitch perfect awkward father that has been out of this daughter’s life for too long) I don’t think I would have ever gotten through this movie.

Thank you Billy. You made it so I didn’t go out and smother babies in the name of Stephenie Meyer.

In my opinion, it also ran way too long. A combination of slow build up, sub par video effects, weak acting, cool color scheme, and long length made it a very effective sedative.

Twilight 2/10 maybe a 3/10 if I get an edit with some color.

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