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I have a bad feeling about this… part 4

October 28, 2010

2. New Moon. It’s the second of the Twilight series and it, too, is a steaming pile of overgrown wolf shit. It is not however as big of a pile as some would suggest.

Let me lay down this piece of evidence to the naysayers out there that says wolf-boy is only there because it is perfectly acceptable to the MPAA for a man to be topless throughout a PG-13 film but not a woman, the sexists. Nay, I say. Taylor Lautner was the only one besides Billy Burke in this film that showed some acting skill! Can’t believe me? Just compare him to a much more seasoned Martin Sheen in his “vampire” role and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Lautner nails the cocky pretty boy. Maybe it’s not an act. Either way, it works perfectly for the part. Much better than Dakota Fanning trying to be menacing with her seemingly gigantic head. That’s going too far ahead, though.

So, this story is ridiculous to begin with, but the new director does what he can with a teen angst driven plot that would only make sense to the most emo of emo chicks. “OMG, he dumped me! What am I going to do? *sob* He was my life… so let me END IT!”

Seriously, that was probably in the first draft. There is no such thing as subtlety in the world of the Twilight films (not sure about the books) nor originality. Solve your post relationship heartache with a good dose of some drug like something, in this case, adrenaline rushes. Go cliff diving, drive motorcycles at dangerous speeds on wet roads, flirt with the obviously disease ridden biker guys. Yeah, that gets you to see your ex for some reason. You know what else would do that? LSD.

I won’t bore you with “plot” details because it’s pretty simple shakespearian rip off material.

I ended up liking this movie way more than the first right off the bat because the new director, like some sort of savior, brought in tighter pacing and color. COLOR. Like, that technicolor shit they used to brag about in The Wizard of Oz. Chris Weitz made this two hour movie feel like a two hour movie and not a 10 hour long high school drama club production of “the best book evar.” He ended up getting everyone (except Stewart, of course) shine at least a little bit (not the sparkly shit, the figurative kind of shine) as they attempted to show something other than lust or heartache. In fact, if you can look past the horrendous story, this wouldn’t be a bad film.

I can’t do that, though. I give New Moon a 4/10. If they give Taylor less abdominal and pectoral oil in the last two, I’ll bump it up to a 4.5/10.

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